Saturday, 25 January 2014

Thank You

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy." 
- Anne Frank

There are many parts of me that are strong. I've proven to have a lot of will when I've needed it, presumably because there have been times in my life when I have had no choice but to be strong. But there are some parts of me that are not; some parts that are somewhat fragile. And I guess that's all part of being human. We can fight out way through the roughest of storms without an ounce of self-doubt, and yet fall to our knees at something so small, so insignificant - one would allege - as a few spoken words.

And it's often the weakest parts of ourselves that we most fiercely long to be resolute. Perhaps because they are the only weaknesses we've ever known, and we have become so accustomed to our instinctive resilience that we take our strengths for granted, regardless of their contribution to our prosperity. Or perhaps because we cannot help ourselves but imagine what we would be capable of without our own limitations. But we are not by any means perfect. Each of us have our deficiencies, our flaws, our insecurities and vulnerabilities, and no matter how convincing our facade in the public eye, we can never hide these frailties from our own selves.

Every now and then, we come to realise this fact - that until then had been sealed in a vault at the back of our minds; a vault which society had us prepare the day we learned that weakness was not an option -  once again, and the only rational response is to crumble to the floor and allow ourselves to immerse in the years of despair we had chosen to renounce until then. I am not invincible. I am not extraordinary. 

I am tired of trying.

One of my weaknesses has been my capacity for happiness. Or perhaps, more specifically, my understanding of it. A misconception of happiness is the biggest barrier to finding it, because you are essentially searching for the wrong thing. And by finding happiness I, of course, mean finding the place on this earth where life itself brings happiness without any conceited effort. I am still learning where that place may be for me. But what I know for sure is who I want to be a part of it.

I crumbled to the floor today. I could fill the page with the reasons why I no longer felt I could keep the weight of my shoulders above the ground, but in essence, I remembered I was human. I felt the anguish of wasted work, the slow panic of uncertainty and the sickening turbulence of disrupting perspectives, all come crashing down on me, and at that moment, I was defeated.

At a time like that, it takes a great deal of reassurance to pick someone back up. And it's moments such as those that I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have people who love me. And not only love me, but know me well enough to see me in my state of hopelessness and know exactly how to make things better.

No words - Just a hug. An 'it's ok, I've got you' hug.

And with that I felt a bit of hope come back. An unspoken promise that, no matter what adversity I faced, I would never face it alone.

Thank you;
 - Conor and Tavis, for understanding me
 - Mum, for always being there
 - Gary, for your patience and compassion
 - Michael, for giving me a reason to smile
 - Ryan, for knowing what to say
 - Acker, for genuinely caring
 - Racquel, for looking after my trust

“Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.” 
- Kahlil Gibran


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